It’s ironic that this summer has been difficult. I’m not sure why, but I guess I thought ‘acceptance to medical school’ would put to rest some of the uneasiness I have carried all my life. It feels silly to even admit that apparently I expected I would instantly feel more secure in myself, more secure in my marriage, more secure in my future – that all my striving and my relentless activity would somehow find a resting place in this accomplishment.
It’s ironic because of course none of those things happened. The only thing that happened when I received my email of acceptance was that I have come to realize (predictably) that the same fears I have allowed to shape my reality in the past are still here. It is now painfully obvious that no accomplishment, no possession, no relationship has the power to alter them. I’m going to have to let some things go. (Hard things). I’m going to have to trust some new things. (I’m not good at trusting). I’m going to have to face some issues head on. Who knew?
So it’s been a little difficult. In hindsight I should have known better, but we all want the easy way out. Now I know. When I get to the end of my life, I want to be able to say I passed the big tests. I won the big fights. You pick the metaphor – I’ve got this.