
I try not to disclaim too often, but I must be clear from the beginning that this post is for my (many) Christian friends who have wondered quietly about where my faith has gone over the last few years…I want to assure you that it has gone to a place of safety and by that I mean that I have placed it aside carefully for a short time.
I grew up in the bible belt of Canada. Let me explain with more accuracy. I grew up in the Left Ventricle of the Heart of the Bible Belt of Canada in Three Hills, Alberta in the 1980/90s. (I give honorable mentions to Caronport, Saskatchewan). For 7 of my 13 childhood schooling years, every conversation, every experience and every moment of my life in that town was bathed in the context of Christian culture. After those seven years I enrolled in a year of Bible College. And then I left.
I’ve always been concerned with truth. As a child I wanted to know ‘why’ and ‘how’ and ‘what’ and I wasn’t afraid to evaluate anything head on. In grade seven I spent days at the bible college library going over the creationist videos they had on file because I sensed this might be a controversial topic. No evolution videos were available and so my research was as comprehensive as it could be. At age 18 I was not so easily satisfied. I listened to hours of debates about (ridiculous) Christian theological sub-points that made no difference to anyone, anywhere. I began to question Christianity in general. I began to voice my questions and this irritated the people closest to me. But there was one man (an instructor) who must have overheard a conversation of mine because in class one day he looked straight at me (I am not mistaken) and said to me, “It’s good to ask questions. God is bigger than all your questions. In fact, think of the biggest question you can. He can handle it. You don’t scare him at all.” He even smiled as he said it, because that’s the kind of person he was. I have nothing but love for the memory of this old man. I left that year anyway and I’ve forgotten everything I learned, but I remember the permission he gave me to ask real questions.
When I went to university this time, I made a deal with myself. Although deep in my heart I believed strongly that God had orchestrated a million small details for this to come to pass for our family, I would not learn through a lens. I believed that God was bigger than fear, and bigger than dogma, and bigger than science. In other words, I had nothing to fear from science. It was my responsibility to learn science in this moment I had. ‘How things work’ is an important part of my future and I wasn’t interested in clouding truth with theological debates. God could comfortably maintain his place in the universe while I learned some basic facts.
And this is where I remain today. I have a few more years to go. Busy years. I’ve learned a lot. It’s no longer science debates that I avoid in my own head. Now it’s moral debates. Frankly, I don’t care if a homosexual, or a bisexual, or a prostitute or a young unwed mother, or a drunk person, or a first nations person or a white, married, Christian mother of 5 with asthma comes into my office. This is the great freedom a physician possesses. I have the privilege of seeing each person as a person of value. There is no scale of humanity. This is my true conviction, a conviction due to my faith, not despite it. And I embrace it.
I am not running from faith. I am not ashamed of faith. I believe my road here was miraculous. But I still have a lot to learn, and it’s important that I learn it all, because God is bigger than our questions and bigger than our fears. He’s really, really big. And we are all precious in his eyes.
Oh Rae, I love this so much. XOXO You are very brave to share your story and I’m so proud of you for resting so comfortably in where you are. I love this: “it has gone to a place of safety” – mine is in a similar safe place, quiet, private, so very, very different than what I grew with, surrounded by. Wishing you much happiness and excitement and beautiful stories and amazing people as you press on in your journey. XOXO
Thank you so much, Krista. Your writing often inspires me and I appreciate your words to me here! ❤
Hi Ray! Long time no see. :-). Your post me caught my attention so I wanted to ask you two questions. It’s relevant to where I have been the last couple of years. I got tired of people giving me what I call “Christian clichés” to answer my questions even if they were Bible scriptures. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” didn’t seem to work in my life. Along with many other scriptures and answers that people gave to me. Sounds great, just didn’t work for me. I was looking for answers that worked for me and not clichés. I didn’t care if they apparently worked for other people. Although in many cases I wasn’t sure if they were working for them as well.
My first question is what do you mean by “faith”? This word means different things to people so I wanted to get some clarity. Second question, you mentioned you’re dealing with ‘moral debates’ and you list a number of moral debates you don’t have a problem with, but you left me hanging when you didn’t mention any moral debates you’re dealing with. What are some?
Glad I ran into your blog. I hope you and your family are doing well! 🙂
Hi Ed! These are big question and I only have a moment right now, but thank you for asking. I have your email on hand and I promise to get back to you in the next day or two. I hope you are well!
Thank you for asking. I’ve never been better in my life! But it’s been a journey!
Take your time. There’s no hurry. My days are crazy busy with much travel and work. Nice to touch bases. Life is much different than it was 20+ yrs ago just like you say.
I’ve had the framework for a blog I’ve been planning for about a year now. You’ve inspired me and I know I need to just get it going. Your’s is so raw and authentic which makes for a great blog. I need to overcome just a little bit more fear yet. :-P. It’ll be a doozy of a blog I think. Yikes!!
Are you sure you are not an author… that was pretty good reading. I for one have questions and there just seems to be more and more as I get older. The world around us is complicated on so many levels… I have a hard time believing this world actually exists. So many things have to go right and only one thing has to go wrong to turn our world on its head. Keep up the good work.
See you folks sometime in the not so distant future hopefully.
Thanks, Robin. We would love to see you out at this side of the country. Give those girls hugs from us!