
I know I didn’t blog during this rotation. It’s complicated. Coming into my psychiatry rotation I kind of expected to be love-struck. I thought it would feel a bit like coming home and that I would agonize over the decision of whether to pursue family medicine or go on to a longer residency in psychiatry. I think I was ok (for a student) at psychiatry and really, I should be. I’ve seen a lot of it first hand. However this “coming home” just didn’t happen.
Personal aside for post clarity and context: To avoid shrouded mystery and/or dramatic pretense let me lay open the psychiatric elements you would find in my family tree: Alcoholism, suicide, bipolar illness, anxiety, depression and psychosis. Now let us move on…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that at some level, I was expecting the practice of psychiatry to be a completion of sorts for me. I was expecting that by learning the diagnostic and treatment algorithms for people with mental illness, it would confirm that despite a strong family history of mental illness, I was ok. And not only was I ok, but that somehow I had beat this thing and come out on top. Victory, and all that. Goodbye troubled past.
Oh, but then there’s the other element, the one that everyone knows about…I have a child with mental illness, too. There’s a lot of guilt that comes with having a child with mental illness regardless of how irrational it may or may not be. It’s difficult not to live back each one of the mistakes you made as a young, unprepared parent (and there were many). So in light of this, was I also expecting to redeem myself? I don’t know who can answer that question, but I’m quite sure it isn’t you. As you can see, I had a lot at stake with this rotation.
So here’s how it played out: It didn’t heal me, it didn’t crown me victor and it certainly didn’t redeem me. Maybe it is because psychiatry did none of these things for me that it provided closure in a different way. As I went through this rotation I was expecting some great moment, but here I am at the end, frankly surprised by my lack of emotional debt. I’ve opened the door to a room I was afraid of for a lot of years, and the room was dark and empty. And who knows. Maybe it’s not all over because it makes me a little angry that I spent so much time standing in front of that room at all. True closure would surely require more apathy. I don’t know, but I’m done thinking about it for now. And I’m happy with this, because I feel like now I can go through the rest of this year with a clear and open mind to evaluate exactly what kind of medicine I like best.
Anyway, for those who know me better, fear not. Psychiatry as a medical discipline may not be for me, but I still have a passion for the needs of this population. As a medical professional, as a contributing member of my community and as a mother I still have plenty of psychiatry related plans. Practical resources for those with mental illness are dismal and I was exposed to many systemic problems during my rotation that can’t be ignored. The thought of working on these projects does still excite me. I expect you will hear a lot about these things in future years. But for now, Psychiatry as a rotation is complete. On to Ft. St. James and Rural Family Practice!
I’m so proud of you Rae. I am not sure if you remember me from years back when I was a member of the BC National team, but wanted to say you are a true inspiration to mothers and women. It doesn’t matter how old always follow your heart and your dreams will come true. God blessings to you, Bruce and the kids.
Yes, I remember you, but I may not recognize you now! 🙂 Thanks so much for your encouraging words, Francene.
“Let the darkness find you if it must. Throw off the quick and tempting escapes, and seek help only from those who would teach you to grow, feed your soul, embrace your heart, but would not steal away your journey.”
― Jennifer DeLucy
Thank you for your vulnerability. You will help many people as you continue on this journey. Love you.
Beautiful quote, Tracy. I love it. Thank-you! xoxo